2018 has been one the “messiest” years of my life. Don’t get me wrong, it really was a great year filled with so many fun memories and amazing people, and I feel so thankful for that. But as I reflect on this past year, and read over my thoughts in my journal, I come face to face with the real, scatter-brained me. My dad once told me, “You are the most put together person I know!” Thanks Dad, but I only wish. This year I had many days I felt like doing absolutely nothing, completely lacking motivation, and the worst thing about it was, I did not know why. This year I can remember times when I looked into the mirror and wondered, “What am I doing?” I went from thinking too much of myself, to thinking too low of myself, and the looping around in circles was making me dizzy. I could not get into a daily routine of bringing my struggles to God and spending time in His Word, and I, therefore, would try to take the issues into my own hands. I wanted to be a “better Christian,” but I kept failing. So yeah, it was another year of ups and downs, like every other year is, but this one just had more emotional twists and turns than I would have liked it to have. But that’s okay. I’m okay, because God’s got this. 🙂
One Thursday afternoon, (anyone else feel Thursdays are one of the least productive days ever??) I looked in the back of my Bible for some inspiration. I read some of notes and journal entries I have written over the past years, and came across this:
“If you think about it, life is actually a pretty rad adventure. It’s exciting because there’re all these twists and turns and curveballs thrown in your way where you thought you knew it all. We get to ride the craziest roller coast ever, but the cool thing is, it will never ever break, so there’s nothing left but to enjoy the ride!”
Someday, when I am going through the toughest thing that I will ever endure, I might laugh at the young, naive, 17 year old who wrote this. But I really do think it is a great perspective to have as a believer. God will never ever let me go. I might spiral out of control in my life, but He remains steadfast and His love is unchanging. Let us rest and rejoice in the fact that our past has been forgiven, our present is met with the presence of the King of Kings, and our future is known. Praise God!
And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. -Isaiah 58:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. -Jeremiah 29:11
I heard this quote recently, and it has been inspiring to me:
“Abraham was old, Jacob was insecure, Leah was unattractive, Joseph was abused, Moses stuttered, Gideon was poor, Samson was codependent, Rahab was immoral, David had an affair and all kinds of family problems, Elijah was suicidal, Jeremiah was depressed, Jonah was reluctant, Naomi was a widow, John the Baptist was eccentric to say the least, Peter was impulsive and hot-tempered, Martha worried a lot, the Samaritan woman had several failed marriages, Zacchaeus was unpopular, Thomas had doubts, Paul had poor health, and Timothy was timid. That is quite a variety of misfits, but God used each of them in his service. He will use you, too, if you stop making excuses.” -Rick Warren
Yes, I am a mess. We all are. But God does not ask for perfection. Jesus was the only perfect being on earth, and His death was not in vain. He covered us with His blood so that we would be washed clean, white as snow. By His wounds we are healed.
God’s grace covers my past, my present, and my future. I need to accept that He has taken care of it all. What is left for me to do other then praise Him, be thankful, and start living and serving for His eternal glory? That’s my hope for 2019 and for the rest of my life.
Thank you, Lord, for your endless grace, your steadfast love, and your many, many blessings. I am an undeserving, yet thankful child of yours. Amen.